Let’s start with the most essential of all facts: no matter what you do, no matter which bet you take, no matter how often you pray to the gods, no matter what shirt you wear, no matter what you have in your pocket, no matter what happened on the last roll, and no matter how many 7 shaped cornflakes you ate this morning, the house always has an advantage.
Now, does that mean you should never play?
What are you—some kind of sissy?
Of course you should play!
In fact, you should play twice as often as you would if you had the advantage.
Why?
Because those fuckers are challenging you.
But before you place your bets, there are two important questions that you need to ask:
“How much should I bet?” and “When should I slow down or walk away?”
The answer to the first question is pretty simple:
Start by selling everything you own and borrowing as much money as possible. Then spend one tenth of the proceeds on coke and hookers, and bet the rest the second you step into the casino.
The answer to the second question is almost as simple.
Place your right fingers on your left wrist, count the number of beats you feel in ten seconds, and then multiply that number by six. If the result is higher than zero, you should keep on rolling.
Now, I know what some are you are going to say: “What about that Greek guy who turned $40 into $40 million over a few years and then lost it all over a few weeks? Shouldn’t he have stopped or slowed down?”
No—and I’ll tell you why.
You’re looking at things the wrong way. You’re forgetting how he earned a 100,000,000% return on his $40.
Yeah—he happened to lose $40 million.
But he could’ve turned that $40 million into $40 trillion and told Bill Gates to go fuck himself!
The important thing is that he put himself in position to win every single penny on the fucking planet—and that should be the goal of every real gambler.
Hell, if he listened to you, he would’ve quit after turning his $40 into $41, and he’d be some nobody asshole without an interesting gambling story.
And if Columbus had listened to you, we’d be in Spain right now, watching some fucker trying to stab an innocent bull just for the sport of it.
How much do you wanna bet the bull will lose in under thirty minutes?
A hundred? A thousand? Ten thousand?
Um… I mean, the point is that you have to take some sort of risks if you want to win—just like how that Greek guy had to sail west in order to find Columbus.
Besides, quitting or slowing down would’ve required him to put on a pair of panties—because it would’ve made him a certifiable woman.
Anyways, remember all that shit I said about the house having an advantage no matter what you do?
Well, theoretically it might be true—but in reality, it’s a bunch of fucking bullshit.
I mean, I once went on a two month hot streak wearing the same pair of underwear every day, and touching my left ear with my left index finger before each roll.
So before you listen to the theoretical truth, let me ask you a question:
Would you rather be rich in theory, or rich in reality?
I don’t know about you, but I’d take the real money.
After all, I’ve never seen a theoretically rich man driving a real Mercedes with three real sluts in the car.
So how can you turn the odds in your favor?
By rolling with your left hand’s pinky, ring, and middle fingers.
Until, of course, that stops working.
And when that happens, you should sniff a tall Texan’s left shoulder after every even numbered roll.
Until that stops working.
And when it does, you should sing “Riders on the Storm” after each odd numbered roll.
You know what?
If you really want to win, you’d be better off owning a casino and taking bets from left handed rolling, Texan sniffing, “Riders in the Storm” singing players who are convinced that they have an edge.
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