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Aug 31

The Best Way To Book A Comedian Intended For Corporate Occasions

Need to book a comedian, but aren’t confident where to look? Do you feel stressed about booking the appropriate comedian for your venue and audience? Are you hesitant to contract with particular performers or booking agencies because you’re not positive if they have quality shows? Are you currently utilizing a limited budget? If that’s so, welcome to the crazy realm of comedian bookings! It’s true that booking top quality comic entertainment can be quite a difficult challenge, especially with the flood of sub-par talent and booking providers around. Every year, there seem to be even more comedians out there. However, it’s our feeling that once you’ve discovered an ideal booking agency, you’ve already won 90 percent of the struggle.

If you’ve ever been to a standup comedy club, then you know how much an excellent comedian can liven up the celebration! There are many kinds of comedians, including improv comedians, impressionist comedians, musical comedians, political comedians, comedian hypnotists, and motivational comedians. A comedian uses a number of techniques such as jokes, story telling, audience interaction, props, one-liners, and funny facial expressions. Other forms would include a corporate comedian, physical comedy, mime comic, stand up comedian, juggler comic, magician comedian, and a ventriloquist comedian. Another highlight is custom comedy where comedians create specific jokes customized for the occasion or topic.

Basically you would like one comedian to amuse a crowd of people for 30 minutes. A corporate audience requires a seasoned comedian, since they could be challenging to captivate for quite a few factors. The audience is most likely to be there for reasons other than to see a comedian all of which will cover a broad spectrum of age groups and preferences - you will definitely want a comedian who will Definitely not offend any specific group and will keep the gags short-and-snappy. This is why you have to pay additional to acquire a comedian who has experience of performing at this kind of functions.

If you are planning to book a professional comedian for a company occasion or holiday party there are a few points you have to know before you begin. Everyone that ever got on stage on open mic night thinks of themselves as a comic. While he might have gotten some laughs in front of his buddies a corporate event or holiday party might be completely different outcome. Comedians tend to be hired to perform at colleges, firms, fairs, resorts, as well as on cruise lines. You may also take into account getting a comedian to be the MC of your awards banquet, product launch or even trade show booth.

Book a comedian using a professional comedy booking agency. They may know numerous well-known acts that can do a fantastic job. You don’t want someone finding out the work while your reputation is at stake. The professional agency can provide established acts who have worked at functions much like yours. A skilled act will be able to cope with the various conditions that can arise throughout the show with ease. If they do not have anything but comedy club appearances stated be careful. In comedy clubs anything goes and any language is ok. This might be not the case at the company function.

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Aug 21

On The Origin Of Species

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Author: Darwin, Charles Published: England, 1859

Some of you aren’t going to believe this, but all living things on this planet—from human beings all the way to plants and even bacteria—are at least your one trillionth cousins.

That’s right.

The newspaper delivered to your home each day comes from a tree that’s your hundred millionth cousin. The grass you mowed last Sunday was made up of some of your five hundredth millionth cousins. The last person you had sex with is probably your thousandth cousin. (You sick %#@$!) And even that jerk who cut you off this morning is at least your ten thousandth cousin. (There has to be at least one jerk in every family.)

Because we all stem from the same family tree (except for Tom Cruise)—and over the years, we branched out into all of the species you see before you today, not to mention the God may or may not know how many outdated and extinct ones.

Some of you might say: “Mr. Darwin—you’re out of your freakin’ mind. Humans give birth to humans, dogs give birth to dogs, sheep give birth to sheep, bacteria split into bacteria, chickens lay chicken eggs, fish lay fish eggs, carrot seeds grow into carrots, and watermelon seeds grow into watermelons. I’ve never seen a carrot seed grow into a fish, a bacteria give birth to a dog, or a chicken lay a snake egg—and I damn sure well have never seen a watermelon seed grow into a human, or a sheep give birth to a human. So how exactly do certain species give rise to other species?”

My response is:

Species turn into other species very slowly, through gradual changes that add up over a ton of generations.

As huge chunks of time pass, little changes add up.

It’s kind of like what would happen if you took one step east each day, your child continued taking a step east each day after your death, his child took a step east each day after your son’s death, and so on and so forth, generation after generation.

As the days, weeks, months, years, decades, and lifetimes passed, your family would still be in the same country, the same part of the country, and probably even the same state—but three thousand years from now, your distant descendant will end up drowning in some ocean or lake.

Wait a second. Uh… bad example.

It’s actually like what happens to a young, passionate, newlywed couple over time.

Day eight seems no different than day seven, day nine seems no different than day eight, and day ten seems no different than day nine—but forty years later, there’s not a thing about your spouse that you find the least bit tolerable, let alone likeable or lovable.

Living things tend to change the same way.

A tweak here and a tweak there, and the next thing you know, you’re Fred and Ethel Mertz.

Or, um… a tweak here, a tweak there, and within a billion years, an amoeba will become some piss drunk college guy puking into a toilet.

But there’s more to it than that.

The tweaks are guided and shaped by something.

Suppose we lived in a world where the biggest butthead usually ended up living the longest and having the most children. Well, after ten thousand years, the world would be nothing but a bunch of enormous buttheads (—sort of like modern day France, but bigger and with more people), due to a process known as Natural Selection of Buttheads, or Survival of the Biggest Butthead.

In other words, when certain traits (like, say, buttholeness) give a living thing a better chance of living longer and having more children, those traits tend to spread as they’re passed on from generation by generation.

But there’s just a bit more to it than that.

The world isn’t the same everywhere you look, and it hasn’t remained the same since day one.

A 1500s Las Vegas desert favors people who can bear hot weather, while a 2000s Las Vegas casino favors people who can count cards; in Silicon Valley, nerds get ahead, while in San Fernando Valley, silicone filled women (CENSORED); in the 20,000s BC, no on gave a crap if you could hit a small ball into a small hole with a club, whereas nowadays, Nike might give 20 million craps a year; and in the world of fashion modeling, huge butts usually equal small salaries, but in the world of hip-hop videos, a big butt can earn you $10,000 per cheek per month (and much more if you sleep with 50 Ice or Dre Z, MMD [Doctor of Murder and Marijuana]).

In other words, the world is filled with a wide variety of ever changing environments—and different environments favor different qualities, and shape living things differently over the generations.

But there’s just a bit more to it than that.

The world has contained and still contains barriers that prevent living things from migrating. If it weren’t for those barriers, living things and their genes would have the opportunity to get around and prevent a species from branching into two.

In other words, the world is sort of like a bunch of clubs—each of which has its own unique rules regarding who gets in (and no—the bouncer can’t be bribed).

Or better yet, it’s kind of like a bunch of clubs that almost never let anyone out, almost never let anyone new in, and only allow certain type of people to survive. (And you thought clubs in Harlem were violent.)

But there’s just a bit more to it than that.

Or actually, there isn’t.

Science Parodies / Humor

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Aug 18

The Budget

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The United States federal government collects two and a half trillion dollars in tax revenues a year from people like you, your ex-wife’s divorce attorney (at least someone’s taking money from that jerk), Colonel Sanders, and Gary Shandling (but definitely not me—because I’m way too smart for those bastards.).

If you had that money in hundred dollar bills and put it all into one stack, you’d be a freakin’ idiot for wasting your time with such stupid crap.

Really.

I mean, what’s the point?

We know $2.5 trillion is a lot of money. We don’t need a gigantic stack of hundreds to prove it.

But if you were to build a stack like that, it would make it all the way to the end of the universe.

(And that’s the just the federal government’s money. Add state and city taxes, and you’d have to wait for the universe to expand just to make room for your stack.)

And what do they do with all of that money?

Believe it or not, they spend every penny of it—and then some! (And you thought MC Hammer was bad.)

But what do they spend it on?

$700 billion goes to Medicare, Medicaid, Med-a-wear, and Medicrap. Why? Because we like eating junk food instead of disgusting stuff like oranges, apples, cucumbers, tomatoes, and almonds. Ughh!

$600 billion goes to Social Security. That’s right. All of those old psychos complain about everything all day are actually getting paid to do it. (Just be glad we’re not paying middle aged married women to complain. That would bankrupt us in about three hours.)

$550 billion goes to defense. Why? Because we have no idea how to get along with others.

$300 billion goes to unemployment and welfare. Which is actually a halfway justifiable expense, if you’re into all of that communist trickle up BS. But then again, let’s not kid ourselves—half of the people collecting that money deserve a kick in the butt instead of a check in the hand.

$250 billion goes to interest on our ever expanding debt. In other words, it goes to the Jews—and if things don’t change soon, they’ll end up repossessing the entire country.

$90 billion goes to education and training. For once, a figure that actually seems a bit low—and it would be low, too, if not for the fact that our schools are funded by states and cities.

$75 billion goes to transportation—most of which is spent on moving a truckload of dirt back and forth so it looks like the government is actually doing something.

$70 billion goes to veterans’ benefits—which seems a little unfair to me considering how I risk my life every day asking my mother-in-law to move out, and no one pays me a cent

$45 billion goes to the administration of justice—but considering how it took me 173 minutes to cancel my AOL account (and those bastards still charged me for the next four months), I’d say we’re not getting our money’s worth.

$35 billion goes to the environment. In other words, even though the environment is free, the government still finds a way to spend money it.

$30 billion goes to foreign affairs—which seems like a lot to me considering how I only spent $1,500 on my affair with a Canadian cocktail waitress.

$25 billion goes to agriculture—which really doesn’t make sense to me considering how I still have to pay for my fruits and vegetables. (I guess that 22 cent apple actually costs $25,000,000,000.22)

$25 billion goes to community and regional development—but judging by the fact that liquor stores outnumber people three to one in a quarter of the country, I’d say some communities haven’t seen a penny of that money.

$25 billion goes to science and technology—most of which is spent on the President’s video game collection.

$20 billion goes to energy—which makes me think we’re buying batteries from the wrong place. (I mean, Wal-Mart sells 50 AAs for only $3.72)

$20 billion goes to general government expenses (—probably hookers for the Kennedy family. Although according to my calculations, that’s not nearly enough to cover the bill.

And the grand total comes close to three trillion dollars.

But to be fair, the federal government does do a lot for the people, and I suppose all of its spending does make some sense—until you consider how from 1776 to 1912, Uncle Sam and Co. hardly even collected income taxes!

That’s right.

Those mother#@%&ers went from spending a few dollars here and there to dropping well over 300 Paris Hilton years on an average day.

Which leads me to believe that there are some serious shopaholics running things in Washington.

And to make matters worse, there’s really not a damn thing we can do about it.

I mean, if your husband blows your on a new TV or your wife spends a fortune on a new outfit (—why you have both a wife and a husband, I’ll never know—), you can at least complain and get him/her to take it back (although to be honest, odds are you’re just going to end up pissing off both of them).

But we can’t stop the government from ending up a few hundred billion in the hole each year.

And as we continue to add to our $12 + trillion debt, at some point someone is going to ask for some of that money back, our entire house of cards will come falling down, and the Angel of Credit will take 40 grand out your behind.

So what should we do?

I say we return the country to the Indians, and let them pay the money back.

The Difference Between Liberals and Conservatives

Barack Obama Rap Song

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The Best Way To Book A Comedian Intended For Corporate Occasions

On The Origin Of Species

The Budget

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